Friday, January 4, 2013

Not really day one....

(A little background - I actually started this blog back on December 17th, 2012 but I haven't published it until now.  I wanted to make sure that I was going to stick with this first before I published it.  So although the dates on posting are current, these are actually old posts, so I will post the dates at the top until I actually catch up to today's date)

November, 15, 2012

So today I made the decision, I HAVE to get this weight off. 

I am 40 years old. I have been overweight since my 20's but not morbidly obese until after my first child. So since around 1996 I have been carrying around this extra weight. Well, wait let me back up the truck. In 2005 I had lapband surgery to lose weight. At that time I weighed 284 lbs, the highest I've ever weighed. I had the surgery & everything went great. I didn't lose all of my weight, in fact the lowest I got down to was about 207. I went from a size 26/28 to a size 14/16. I felt great, I looked great and then I stalled. For those of you that don't know, the lapband is a restrictive procedure where they insert a device that can be tightened by adding saline through a port to make a pouch at the top of your stomach. It looks like this:

It's one of the weight loss surgeries (WLS) that stops you from being able to overeat, the food fills up that little pouch at the top & then is slowly released down into your regular stomach. Well let's just say, after about a year, I was over that. I started trying to eat more than my band would allow and the consequence was I threw up almost EVERY time I ate. It was bad, but I didn't stop. I had to go back to my surgeon several times because I developed really bad GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease is a condition in which the stomach contents (food or liquid) leak backwards from the stomach into the esophagus (the tube from the mouth to the stomach). I was throwing up in the middle of the night, choking on my vomit, burning my esophagus, but I couldn't stop. I had/have a serious overeating problem. So after about two years of suffering with this I decided to just get the saline let out of my band. I just couldn't handle the burning anymore & I was starting to worry about Barrett's esophagus (a change in the lining of the esophagues due to GERD that can increase the risk of esophageal cancer). So a little at a time the doctor started letting the saline out, which reduces the restriction of the band, which is the whole point of the band, until I am where I'm at right now, which is VERY LITTLE restriction. If I follow the "band rules" (no drinking when I eat, eat small portions etc.) I could probably get a little help from the band, but up until today I haven't wanted to follow any rules and guess what? I am back to 278 lbs. Yep, you heard me, I am almost back up to my pre-surgery weight. And I am MISERABLE!! Now, let me preface this blog by saying, I am not vain. I'm the kind of girl that will throw her hair up in a ponytail & leave the house sans makeup and usually do, especially when I'm heading to school (I'm a 3rd semester BSN nursing student). I've been married for 15 years and truthfully my mom always told me I didn't need makeup & I believed her. So losing weight for me is not about vanity. The reason I made this decision today is that I FEEL LIKE CRAP!! I literally could just lay in bed all day. I'm tired, my back hurts, I look like complete and total hell. I'm just done. I am tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of constantly comparing myself to the "skinny" girls and coming up short. Heck, I'm tired of comparing myself to the regular sized girls & coming up short. I'm tired of worrying about my health. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing all this FAT!! And although my husband tells me ALL the time that he loves me no matter what, I'm tired of hating the fact that I am a miserable, overweight 40 y/o and thinking that my husband deserves more. And mostly I am tired of fearing for my health, knowing that I have a precious 11  y/o baby girl that I need to live for and a hard headed 16 y/o that I have to stick around for. So today is the day. I am going to STOP making excuses and I'm going for it. 
So, what can you expect from this blog? In this blog I plan on posting weight loss pictures. For every 20 lbs I lose I am going to post a picture because I know that pictures speak louder than words & I love the WL blogs who have pictures. I am going to try & post what I am eating, both for the sake of those who are wondering how I am losing the weight and also for a little bit of keeping myself in check. If I come across any great recipes/tips I will be sure to post those too. All in all I just want a place where I can go to vent, get cheered on, be inspired and hopefully inspire some people, but I am going to try to keep it as positive as possible. I'm not usually one of those people that gets down on myself. So if you want to follow along please do. If YOU know of any great tips/blogs/recipes that I should check out then please let me know that as well. I look forward to this challenge!! Here we go!

Beginning weight 283 lbs (I seriously can't believe I'm even posting that)

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